Brilliant invention 2: Massage sweater

Who loves massages? Trick question: everybody. Massage chairs and masseuses and those neck vibrator things were all invented for a reason. People want to be rubbed all the time.

I am very smart and managed to trick a cat owner into dating me. Cat owners are well practiced in the art of heavy (non-sexual! Hopefully!) petting, and as a result, Jordan will rub pretty much any limb I thrust in front of him, half-distracted and with impressive stamina as long as there is a hockey game on. He is a machine and it is the best.

Unfortunately, it would not be appropriate to bring him along to work to rub my back all day while I'm hunched over the computer, rigorously refreshing my Twitter feed, so I have come up with an alternative solution that will hopefully also make me a millionaire: a massage sweater! It would have little vibrating, pulsating pods lining the inside, releasing muscle tension while you go about your business. Maybe if this takes off, we could offer a t-shirt version for warmer months or some sort of formalwear line, for special occasional that also might cause pinched nerves.

Jordan, helpful as he always is in crushing my entrepreneurial spirit, has suggested that the battery power to produce constant vibrating over a several square foot area would be either short lived or completely unattainable, or in the very best case scenario, debilitatingly heavy. But I feel that our old friend (and fellow inventor) Benjamin Franklin has already discovered the solution: electricity! The kind that comes in the walls! And walls are everywhere, right? Convenient! We'll just strap on a discrete extension cord to the ensemble, and suddenly we have a massage sweater perfectly suited for a young go-getter and their crippling tension.  

Think about it: you show up at work on Monday, back aching because you are a 23 year old who has been prescribed custom orthodics but spent the weekend refusing to wear sensible shoes. Hitting the spa is certainly not an option, so just toss on your oddly lumpy cardigan, plug it in, and enjoy as the soothing electromagnetic pulses take your pain away, with no one the wiser, as long as you stay within three feet of an electrical outlet.

Jordan's other critique was that your muscles would get used to the sweet, sweet massaging action, rendering it ineffective over time. So what about some sort of random algorithim: a massage surprise, powering up and sneaking up on you at varying points throughout the day? Wouldn't that be nice? You're in a boring meeting, half asleep, when blammo! Suddenly  you are vibrating in your chair, jolting your muscles into submission, and everyone is looking at you being like "Where can I purchase one of these fashionable-yet-practical sweaters?" and offering you cash sums of up to $300 to buy it off you, right then and there.

If you are an investor who also happens to be an electrician, get in touch! I have some cardigans we can use as prototypes.

Brilliant invention 1: Tumblerbottle

I have a lot of good ideas. It's just something that happens to geniuses such as myself, even when you're thinking really hard and concentrating on the intellectual effort at hand (in my case, answering the phones and/or watching CougarTown) they just sneak up on you, whambamthankyoubam, and you've got a million dollar brainstorm on your hands.

The problem with my good ideas is that I have a boyfriend who does not agree with me in my choice of adjective ("good") in this particular instance. He's always like "I'm going to outline why the laws of physics make your dreams impossible" or "That already exists. It's called a briefcase." WhatEVER.

My current favourite resultant of the Stacey Brain Trust is the coffee tumbler slash water bottle. If you, like me, need to be consuming liquids all the time every day, you no doubt have faced the same challenges I have: trying to fit both a travel mug and a 1L water bottle in your purse, spilling things everywhere, accidentally leaving one behind at the bus stop, experiencing neck and back pain from carting around such a hydrating burden. It is the beginning part of an infomercial waiting to happen.

The tumbler/bottle will solve all your problems (beverage related and otherwise)(see Jay-Z's hit song for a complete list), providing all you need in terms of beverage supply without the hassle or responsibility of caring for two separate vessels. One bottle: two spouts. Think about it.

"They're different temperature," suggested a certain bearded someone scornfully. "The water will get hot and the coffee cold! COULD ANYTHING BE WORSE? BLAH BLAH BLAH boring degress Celcius BLAH BLAH I've never had a paper cut BLAH BLAH." What a Negative Nancy! I'll obviously be hiring scientists to work out the kinks -- I'm a visionary, after all, an ideas (wo)man, not a simpleton with a mechanical engineering degree. But I'm sure it's possible. If we can send a monkey to the moon we can certainly segregate and preserve drink temperatures.

Jordan also felt it his duty to inform me that my invention had already been invented, a tool that could hold two different drinks, something he called "every cup ever." Apparently I'm supposed to drink my coffee and THEN fill the container with water. Like an animal! Like a moon monkey.

I'm confident I can find support for this product. We live in 2011: if I want two drinks available to me when I'm out on the go, I don't see why I can't make that happen. I'm pretty sure that's what Rosie the Riveter was talking about when she rolled up that shirt sleeve to show off the muscles she built carrying around a coffee mug and a water bottle around all day.

Patent pending patent pending patent pending! If you are a rich entrepreneur/philanthropist/sugar daddy, please get in touch with me right away about investment opportunities! I have a prototype but it mostly involves tape and that shit can get expensive.