Spa Day

I'm starting a spa. This may seem surprising to you, given that I have no "experience" in estheticianary and that I overuse "quotation marks" for comedic effect, but I'm not going to let that negative attitude nor the fact that estheticianary is not a "real word" stop me. I have been treated at upwards of six spas in the last few years (mostly for work, which is tragic only in the sense that at this rate, no one will ever be interested in making a biopic about my difficult-but-inspiring life), and have picked up a thing or two while lying scared and naked on a table. For example: People like to be rubbed and are willing to pay a lot of money for it. So for the spa owner, the earth's over-population isn't a crisis, but an opportunity: the more human beings, the more rubs we'll need! And basically anybody with two hands and most people with one hand can do it. I know there are schools and licenses that spa practitioners attend, but in my experience, most of what's happening as you lie there is a surprise and there's no real way to recognize if it's the work of a professional or, as we'll soon see at Big Stacey's House O' Feel Good, a hook-handed felon released on a technicality. Yesterday, my masseuse put her thumb in my ear and I am still not sure that that was a mistake. Today, during a body wrap, I was told to arrange a towel over my nether regions in a "diaper wrap". Anything goes at the spa. As long as the soothing tones of birds playing the harp are on the sound system, I don't dare to ask any questions, and ideally my future clients won't either if they know what's good for them.

I've got some ideas for my spa already, because it's a fun thing to think about as a stranger is rubbing your butt with whatever they found in the staff fridge.

SPA TREATMENT IDEAS
1. Someone plays with your hair for an hour.
2. A handsome man rubs your feet while you pop bubble wrap.
3. Lie in a tub and have puppies walk on your back.
4. Have your nails shaped into standard screwdriver heads.
5. Apple cinnamon scrub, but the leftover product is baked into a pie that you get to take home.

As always, if you're interested in this wonderful investment opportunity, please feel free to arrange a drop-off of unmarked bills at an abandoned train station of convenience to you.

Brilliant invention 2: Massage sweater

Who loves massages? Trick question: everybody. Massage chairs and masseuses and those neck vibrator things were all invented for a reason. People want to be rubbed all the time.

I am very smart and managed to trick a cat owner into dating me. Cat owners are well practiced in the art of heavy (non-sexual! Hopefully!) petting, and as a result, Jordan will rub pretty much any limb I thrust in front of him, half-distracted and with impressive stamina as long as there is a hockey game on. He is a machine and it is the best.

Unfortunately, it would not be appropriate to bring him along to work to rub my back all day while I'm hunched over the computer, rigorously refreshing my Twitter feed, so I have come up with an alternative solution that will hopefully also make me a millionaire: a massage sweater! It would have little vibrating, pulsating pods lining the inside, releasing muscle tension while you go about your business. Maybe if this takes off, we could offer a t-shirt version for warmer months or some sort of formalwear line, for special occasional that also might cause pinched nerves.

Jordan, helpful as he always is in crushing my entrepreneurial spirit, has suggested that the battery power to produce constant vibrating over a several square foot area would be either short lived or completely unattainable, or in the very best case scenario, debilitatingly heavy. But I feel that our old friend (and fellow inventor) Benjamin Franklin has already discovered the solution: electricity! The kind that comes in the walls! And walls are everywhere, right? Convenient! We'll just strap on a discrete extension cord to the ensemble, and suddenly we have a massage sweater perfectly suited for a young go-getter and their crippling tension.  

Think about it: you show up at work on Monday, back aching because you are a 23 year old who has been prescribed custom orthodics but spent the weekend refusing to wear sensible shoes. Hitting the spa is certainly not an option, so just toss on your oddly lumpy cardigan, plug it in, and enjoy as the soothing electromagnetic pulses take your pain away, with no one the wiser, as long as you stay within three feet of an electrical outlet.

Jordan's other critique was that your muscles would get used to the sweet, sweet massaging action, rendering it ineffective over time. So what about some sort of random algorithim: a massage surprise, powering up and sneaking up on you at varying points throughout the day? Wouldn't that be nice? You're in a boring meeting, half asleep, when blammo! Suddenly  you are vibrating in your chair, jolting your muscles into submission, and everyone is looking at you being like "Where can I purchase one of these fashionable-yet-practical sweaters?" and offering you cash sums of up to $300 to buy it off you, right then and there.

If you are an investor who also happens to be an electrician, get in touch! I have some cardigans we can use as prototypes.