Spa Day

I'm starting a spa. This may seem surprising to you, given that I have no "experience" in estheticianary and that I overuse "quotation marks" for comedic effect, but I'm not going to let that negative attitude nor the fact that estheticianary is not a "real word" stop me. I have been treated at upwards of six spas in the last few years (mostly for work, which is tragic only in the sense that at this rate, no one will ever be interested in making a biopic about my difficult-but-inspiring life), and have picked up a thing or two while lying scared and naked on a table. For example: People like to be rubbed and are willing to pay a lot of money for it. So for the spa owner, the earth's over-population isn't a crisis, but an opportunity: the more human beings, the more rubs we'll need! And basically anybody with two hands and most people with one hand can do it. I know there are schools and licenses that spa practitioners attend, but in my experience, most of what's happening as you lie there is a surprise and there's no real way to recognize if it's the work of a professional or, as we'll soon see at Big Stacey's House O' Feel Good, a hook-handed felon released on a technicality. Yesterday, my masseuse put her thumb in my ear and I am still not sure that that was a mistake. Today, during a body wrap, I was told to arrange a towel over my nether regions in a "diaper wrap". Anything goes at the spa. As long as the soothing tones of birds playing the harp are on the sound system, I don't dare to ask any questions, and ideally my future clients won't either if they know what's good for them.

I've got some ideas for my spa already, because it's a fun thing to think about as a stranger is rubbing your butt with whatever they found in the staff fridge.

SPA TREATMENT IDEAS
1. Someone plays with your hair for an hour.
2. A handsome man rubs your feet while you pop bubble wrap.
3. Lie in a tub and have puppies walk on your back.
4. Have your nails shaped into standard screwdriver heads.
5. Apple cinnamon scrub, but the leftover product is baked into a pie that you get to take home.

As always, if you're interested in this wonderful investment opportunity, please feel free to arrange a drop-off of unmarked bills at an abandoned train station of convenience to you.

Eye-lid to eye-sore

The pursuit of longer lashes is a thankless, endless task that scientists of the world are struggling with every day. I don't know if you've seen the labs that mascara is designed in on the tee vee but they're very high tech. There are touch screens, and holographic diagrams, and sometimes motorcycles for some reason. In these laboratories, there exists the money and know-how to be doing some Important Science (curing cancer, sterilizing Juggalos, etc.), but ladies are very demanding when it comes to Looking Fine, so these resources have been funneled into eyelash technology instead.

As someone who wears a lot of mascara and then wipes it off onto all my mother's white towels to be preserved forever, I understand this lust for fuller, thicker, tanglier, can't-fit-under-prescription-glasses eyelashes. Boys love eyelashes, right? Models have eyelashes, right? Eyes are the window to the soul and eyelashes are the attractive curtains styled after a Style at Home spread.

But somewhere along the line, between Eugene Rimmel whipping up the first batch of petroleum eyelash froth and Drew "Cover Girl" Barrymore winking uncontrollably at us during every commercial break, Lash Scientists became mad with power. "Why make mascara when we can make WHOLE NEW LASHES?" they presumably cackled, pouring prescription-strength hair growth formula on poor Brooke Shield's eyelids. And lo, Latisse (trademark, copyright, patent pending, black magic forever) was born.

 

"LATISSE^® solution is a prescription treatment for hypotrichosis used to grow eyelashes, making them longer, thicker and darker," says the website. But here is what else it says: Latisse miiiight darken the skin of your eyelid and that colouring mayyyy or may not be reversible. Oops! Latisse also commonly causes eye itchiness or redness, so hopefully your new thick lashes won't attract too much attention to the general upper face region. Although either of these side effects would be preferable to the smallest of the small print: Latisse users could experience "hair growth in other skin areas". Also, it takes 16 days to work. That is unacceptable, eyelash enhancement wise: if your friends are making you go to the Vanilla Room, you need to look sultry and smokey eyed RIGHT NOW.

Here is my rule of thumb: if something has to brag about FDA approved, I don't want to put it on my face.

 

How often has good ol' fashioned mascara turned against you? None, if you aren't counting accidental eye stabs. And if Lash Blast and Blast Lash and Xtreme Mid-nite XXL Lash Lash Big Lash aren't good enough for you, be patient: they are making crazier mascara every day! Some make little tubes around your eyelashes! Others have brushes that look like medieval toilet scrubbers! Even an albino person with alopecia can find something to give them that insomniac goth racoon look that's somehow appropriate for the office and the club. Fake eyelashes! Those exist too! And unless you are drunk when you're applying them (which happens to me almost every Halloween so I am not even judging a little bit here) and just totally miss your eyelid, you won't wind up with long and luscious hairs protruding from your cheek like the world's creepiest Chia Pet.

Thanks anyways, Latisse!