Car Shoppin': Shoppin' for Cars Edition

Accidents happen! Some of those accidents may be of the "car" variety. This is just part of life, like kissing a boy for the first time or growing a weird hair from a facial mole. It's nothing to be ashamed of! At some point or another, we're all going to pull out of a parking lot without looking because we're desperate to escape a hockey-themed brunch we got tricked into attending, and there's going to be another car there and they're going to smash up the door of your vintage 2001 Chevy Cavalier. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, though it does probably mean you're a bad driver.

This may surprise you to hear, but I was in an accident shockingly similar to this poorly-veiled hypothetical situation recently. Don't worry! No one was hurt except the car, and I'm just relieved I never let my mother convince me to name it ("What about Baby? Or Steve? Is it a boy?") so there's no anthropomorphic guilt. Whew! Not sorry, Not Steve!

This close call has really made me rethink my priorities in life. For example, I've learned that getting a write-off cheque from ICBC is a pleasant alternative to "fixing" my "windshield wipers" or "washing the car more than once a year". Now, it's time to shop for a new vehicle because I live in the suburbs where people on bikes are routinely chased down by SUVs for sport and sometimes deprived of voting rights.

But what to look for when you're car shopping? With so many options out there—cars with heated seats, cars without heated seats, ay ay ay!—it's hard to know where to begin. Luckily, it's easier for me to blog in list-form, so it looks like we're in a win-win situation here.

Step One: Find a "Baby On Board" sign that really reflects your personality as a driver. You'll want something that says "I'm carrying precious cargo!" but also "I'm totally down to bone". And if you don't have any children per se, that's all right. I can totally get you a sign anyways: my cousin sells fakes out of his garage. You're not a cop, are you? You have to tell me if you are.

Step Two: Research is vital to finding a car that's the right fit, and with the World Wide Web™©® at our fingertips, it's easier than ever! The best resource, obviously, is a website called google.com. Simply type in "car" and "download" any images that aren't characters from an animated film onto a floppy disk and mail it to a local dealership along with a self-addressed, self-stamped envelope. Wait 6-8 weeks.

Step Three: Choosing a dealership is one of the biggest decision of your life, after picking a song to lose your virginity to and taking a stance on whether Alex Trebec looks better with or without a mustache. The best dealerships will indicate their prestige with a giant inflatable gorilla (if it's wearing sunglasses, all the better!)

Step Four: You can never really know a car until you drive it, so hop in to whatever looks like the hottest rod and take her for a spin! It doesn't even have to be at a dealership, or unlocked. See something you like? Get in there! Rugged terrain will give you the best indication of how a car handles, so try cutting through schoolyards and construction sites during your test-run. It'll also be a good opportunity to see how well the sound-system drowns out a child's scream.

Step Five: Go through a checklist to make sure the car has everything you need: Are there four tires? Do you have those handle thingies to hang your dry-cleaning? How many adult human males could you fit in the trunk (intact or in half)? (You're still not a cop, right?)

Step Six: Make your offer, but remember that negotiation is a huge part of the car buying process, as if you were haggling at a Middle Eastern spice market instead of purchasing an item with set production costs using government issued currency in a Capitalist society. Start low, and be firm: offer the dealer your least-favourite child, and insist that he include an air-freshener (must be vanilla) in the deal.

With these six easy steps, you'll be on the road in no time! If you could come by and pick me up, that would be great.