Happy Happy Birthday!

Birthdays! Everybody's got one! If somebody says they don't, they're crackin' wise, so a playful round-house twist press to the solar plexus or a quick browse through a Mixed Martial Arts website for real fight moves should clearly indicate that you don't have time for this bullshit. Then get them some goddamn balloons.

Some very special people have birthdays coming up soon, including my two best friends, my boyfriend, and John Travolta! I don't want to spoil anything here about what I'm planning for my favourite people and John, but luckily they've all promised that they'll never ever read this and told me that I shouldn't bother contacting them ever again about my blog or anything, ever, please, just stop, why won't you stop. So it looks like they'll be extra surprised when they find out all of these fun birthday treats!

Cake

A birthday without cake is a like a hug without a groin pat: what's the point? My usual rule of thumb is the more icing, the better, especially if there might be a thumb hidden somewhere in the cake. But an alarming new study has revealed that almost all diabetics have a birthday, too, so with these dietary sensitivities in mind, I suggest just frosting the whole cake with a thick layer of delicious insulin. The consistency may make it hard for the candles to stand up, though, so just light the whole thing on fire to shed a festive glow on your guests' horrified faces.


Games

Whether you're hosting a party or attending one, there's nothing people love more than having their socialization dictated by rigid structure and lengthy rules, so I always come to events prepared. Charades, Pictionary, and Russian Roulette are all party classics, but new favourites like Turn Off the Lights and Touch My Rash, Pin The Tail On a Literal Donkey, or Monopoly: Oligopoly Edition are always a smash hit, too! The more games you play, the less attention people will pay to the fact that no one actually invited you.


Surprise

Yelling "surprise!" at the Birthday Boy, Girl, LadyBoy, or CatDog is often part of the birthday experience: it usually takes place at the beginning of the party, but I find that trope a little overdone. I personally like to yell "surprise!" when it would actually be surprising, like when they think everyone has left the party and that no one is hiding inside of the washing machine.


Presents

If you're invited to a birthday party, you're usually expected to bring a gift, unless otherwise specified in the invitation with a phrase like "Your presence, but no presents!" or the confusing "Your gifts are gifts so gift the gift of gifts!" Though every person you know is obviously a unique flower, do you really have time to pick out something specific for every single birthday party you attend, to "tend" to these "flowers" individually? No, no, no, a thousand times NO! I don't know about you, but I find there's hardly enough hours in the day as it is for writing cruel, anonymous postcards to John Travolta and collecting antique toenails. So for efficiency's sake, I've standardized the system, much like Henry Ford would have done were he as popular as I am and invited to upwards of three birthday parties a year. Each "tier" of friends gets a pre-determined gift:

• Acquaintance: Coupon for one (1) free tongue kiss (up to two minutes)
• Co-worker: Starbucks card
• Close friend: Starbucks card, loaded
• Family: Coupon for one (1) free tongue kiss (up to three minutes)
• John Travolta: 14kt white gold diamond bracelet and tickets to Smash Mouth's reunion show