Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Roomin'!

Having a roommate is a very special experience. Sharing your life with someone creates an extra special bond that can never be broken no matter how often they forget to return your calls or how many notarized restraining orders they send you. For example, my current roommates  my mom and and my brother  are almost like family to me!

Co-habiting, though, isn't always fun (eg: Twister parties) and games (eg: Buy Toilet Paper Deluxe Edition). There's often sacrifices to be made: sometimes you have to let them hang an Insane Clown Posse poster in the living room; sometimes you have to literally kill a goat to appease the landlord/gods. But what you lack in autonomy and personal space, you make up for in memories that will last a life time, and all the goats' blood you can drink.

I've compiled an extensive, well-thought out list of FAPs (Frequently Asked Problems) regarding the science of Roommatery. It's right after this sentence starting now because I spent all my time making this incredibly thorough document and didn't have enough strength left for a respectable segue.



Chores
Take a clean white piece of paper and draw up a schedule of household tasks, divided evenly and fairly. Then eat it in front of your roommate to show them you're a "wild card" who is not to be trusted.

If they make you clean the house anyways, try to use your various cleaning tools in interesting ways in order to "spice it up". Example: instead of washing the tub, vacuum the tub! Instead of scrubbing the toilets, vacuum the toilet! Eventually the vacuum will break and you can get back to watching Dawson's Creek, as indicated clearly on your private schedule that you have not eaten.


Getting drunk
This will happen to you all the time when you have a roommate, often without warning. Invest in perogies.




Bills, bills, bills
As Thomas Edison once said, "Mo' money, mo' problems." As an independently wealthy young woman who only works as a receptionist to keep in touch with the common people, I couldn't agree more. Here are some problems all my money has caused me:

1. Not actually convenient for lighting cigars (cigarillos o.k.)
2. Not allowed to build an indoor swimming pool inspired by McDuck-era architecture to hold my aforementioned vast fortune
3. Cramps from counting!
4. Unpopularity at Occupy Wall Street protests

But no matter how much money ("mu' money") you have, it's always a strain to share fiscal responsibility with someone, especially someone you like. It's hard to ask someone you're close with for their share of the cost of rent/groceries/bidet maintenance, but it's just part of growing up, like falling in love or ritually shedding your uteral lining. Try to ease the awkwardness by broaching the subject in a light-hearted way: sing a funny song, or kidnap their little brother and send a few of fingers as a warning for roomie to smarten up (not the brother's real fingers, of course! Remember, we're just fooling around! You can get fingers from any local vagrant.)


Personal Space
In sitcoms, fights between roommates and/or lovers often escalates to a dramatic physical division of the room with masking tape or a simple line drawn with lead paint. This is obviously ridiculous. The line should be drawn when you first move in together to avoid such conflict in the first place! That's why I always insist on renting apartments that have two kitchens and bathrooms. Often, I am told by "Debbie Downers" that this "isn't a thing that exists." To that I say, what's an apartment with two bathrooms and two kitchens but TWO apartments with the wall knocked down and replaced with a crude line? All it takes is a leap of faith, Mr (or Mrs.!) Landlord. After all, anything is possible if you believe in yourself and don't mind losing your damage deposit. I recommend wallpapering your side of the apartment(s) with "Hang in There!" posters to boost confidence in the future and increase resale value.


I have a confession to make: This post was mainly practice spelling vacuum. Goodbye forever!

1 comments:

Chervelle Camille said...

Girl, you are hilarious!! My Jaws hurt from reading your posts!

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