Travel Guide: Las "Vegas" Vegas!

Oh, Las Vegas — or as it's better known, the Big Apple! Whatever you call it, I think we can all agree that it's the windy city that never sleeps. Vegas has everything you need to make your dream vacation a reality, particularly if your dream is to be trapped in a building with hauntingly realistic wax depictions of long dead celebrities.

Gambling
Going to the casino can be a lot of fun, as we all learned from skimming the Wikipedia entry on Dustin Hoffman's bio-pic, Rain Man. But be careful! You don't want to lose your shirt at the casinos. Just follow my simple rules, and you'll be sure to have a "whale" of a time:

1. Don't bet your shirt. (Tip: Use chips instead!)
2. You do NOT talk about Fight Club. (The dealers HATE Brad Pitt because he's always participating in heists and capers, as depicted in the documentary Oceans Eleventeen.)

Food
The most economical way to eat in "The Lone Star State" is to pick up a 24 hour, all-access buffet pass. At only $40 Vegas Bux™®, you can pick up breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as second dinner, "dessertsies", mid-lunch snack, mid-brunch snax, post-lupper appeteazers, and all the fixin'z for the binge-related eating disorder of your choosing. The higher end casinos will usually have a vomitorium somewhere in the back. Just ask the concierge! (Note: Please keep in mind that a vomitorium is a place for audiences to rapidly exit, and not for, as the French say, "ralphing". For purging purposes, please locate the nearest barfporium.)

Drinks
There will be some, yes.

Showtime!
No trip to the "City of Angels" would be complete without catching one of their famous stage shows! There's truly something for everyone: for death-defying yet artfully, soulfully executed feats that test the very limits of the human body, Cirque De Soliel has many options. Or, if you hate yourself, Carrot Top is around somewhere, too.



Clubbing
Clubbing, or "clubbin'," is taken to new limits here in "America's Wang". You may even find yourself partyin(g) in an unorthodox location, like a pool. Can it get any crazier?! What happens Vegas, am I right?! Sometimes it's a swimming pool; sometimes it's just a delightful combination of spilled cocktails all over the floor; sometimes it's jut CrissssAngelMindFreak FREAKING YOUR MIND and you are actually at home dying quietly of a magic-related aneurysm. But whether your ankles are soaked in Red Bull Crantini or CrissssAngelMindFreak's patented illusion fluids (made of a special blend of Red Bull and Crantinis), make sure to keep your eye out for that special someone. The club (or "da club") is an ideal breeding ground for breeding. Everyone in Vegas is ready to kiss — with tongue! So make yourself known to your potential mate with witty repartee and/or yelling "woo" and "woo-hoo" when possible. But it's important to stay safe when you're on the prowl: please do not put your tongue in, on, or around Carrot Top.

Seeing the Strip
To best see all the sights in "Nevada's Reno", you're going to want to bring comfy shoes, sunblock, and lots and lots of peyote. Like ... a bucket. Let's say a bucket.


Well, after all that work writing this travel guide and trying to find a way to use the term "barfporium" without sounding crude, I'm in need of a vacation myself! If you'll excuse me, I'm off to enjoy some good ol'd fashioned R&R surrounded by the soothing sights and sounds of over-stimulated drunks, aggravated by days of neon and heat exposure.