Best Bachelorette Ever

It's a day every little girl dreams about: planning her best friend's bachelorette party. And that day is finally here because your closest pal is tying the knot to a real human being this time! Not that you're saying that you don't respect the love between a woman and a raccoon! Randy was a wonderful partner and you're sure the two of you will still be friends even after the split! Everybody be cool! The point is, a wedding is on the horizon, so it's time to quit your job, tell your mom you're dead, and abandon your new baby at a train station, because coordinating and executing The Best Night of Her Life will require your undivided attention for the next three to six minutes.

There are obviously a ton of cliches that go along with bachelorette parties (binge drinking, craving pickles and ice cream, sacrificing a virgin to appease Targon, God of Tap Dancing, etc.) but embracing the tradition is part of the fun! One popular bachelorette trope is for the whole group to wear matching outfits to alert passersby that they're "out on the town" and "likely to vomit". You can get a great deal on "BRIDE" and "BRIDESMAID" t-shirts if you're not picky about things like colour or spelling—for example, a quick trip to Hakim's U-Pick Stagette Wear Factory Outlet and Exotic Meats Butcher Shop can outfit all of the bropsmerds in style and have the brime feeling truly special, and with enough money leftover to splurge on a traditional matrimonial goatsmeat tart to enjoy on the shuttle ride home.

As for the location, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're together! Whether it's a weekend in Vegas, a night on the town or three months trapped in a submarine, this party is about letting loose with your best gal pals and the bride's weird cousin Jelissa you were obligated to invite! If you are planning a multi-day extravaganza, put together an elaborate itinerary with all the classic "girls night out" activities to make sure that maximum fun is being wrung from every spare moment until it dangles lifelessly in your arms. Efficiency, after all, is a key ingredient in having a good time. Look at these famous parties from throughout history: Weekend at Bernie's; Weekend at Bernie's 2; the Donner party. What do they all have in common? That's right: great pals with great organizational skills.
10:00 a.m.: Front row seats at a dog fight
12:00 p.m.: Pap smears (Groupon)
1:00 p.m.: Chili eating competition
2:00 p.m.: Late lunch: leftover chili
4:00 p.m.: Interpretive self-defense course
6:00 p.m.: Shots! (Drinks)
6:10 p.m: Shots! (Immunization against alopecia, "The Silent Killer")
7:00 p.m.: Party game: Brainstorm Party Games!
8:15 p.m.: Lie awake in bed contemplating the futility of life

These days, everyone is on a budget, so even if your dream party involves bedazzling endangered dolphins with real diamonds, scale it back to make sure all the bride's friends can participate. Sponsorship is a great way to offset the costs while still Having it Your Way (tm). Instead of renting a yacht, why not enjoy a hot, flavourful order of Satisfries? Bungee jumping would make for a memorable event, but so would egging a Wendy's drive-thru window. It's all about compromise, trading your vision of glamour, elegance, and animal endangerment for a cheque as juicy as a Fire-Grilled Triple Whopper . And if your friends object to you commodifying this experience that is supposed to be about female bonding and celebrating your beautiful personal relationships with the bride before she starts a new chapter in her life, ask them to at least wait until the stripper that's dressed as the Burger King has finished his act before they start pointing fingers.