Holiday Greetings, Human Readers!

The holiday season is upon us, my good friends and secret enemies, having descended almost without warning like the plague of hyper-intelligent boll weevils that took over my building's laundry room last Spring. There's a crispness to the air, and bells where there weren't bells before. For most people, Christmas is a delight for all of our senses (sights, sounds, taste, seeing dead people, crumping); for others, they're probably Jewish. But it's a joyous time of year whether you like it or not. You can't avoid it, much like you can't treat a rabid boll weevil bite without professional medical attention. And unfortunately, modern science has no way of knowing just when Christmas will be over, so you may as well dive into the frigid, torrential waters of holiday cheer and allow your body to be pummeled against the jagged stones of childlike wonder by the bone-crushingly strong currents of goodwill towards men. Embrace the magic! And call an ambulance about that bite! Don't let a boll weevil do it, even if he seems like a good guy!! They're all liars who will use your fabric softener without even asking.

DECORATING
The first step to getting in the Christmas spirit is to get a tree. Now, most people tend to go for the obvious choices like fir or pine, but I'd like you to show me where in the rule book it says you can't have a handsome toxic manchineel as your holiday shrub of choice. You're going to need some lights, too, but why spend all that money on "special strings of lights" that "won't cause a deadly fire" when you've got dozens of perfectly good 40W bulbs lying around doing nothing but illuminating your neighbour's porch? Help yourself! If they didn't want you to take them, they wouldn't have just left them unsupervised outside and should have been more explicit when they sent you the court-ordered document about which of their lightbulbs they didn't want you to steal. To really complete the look for your tree, a little sparkle might be nice, but we're not trying to win the Christmas Olympics here; I've already got a lot on my plate trying to win the regular Olympics (freestyle monster truck driving). Let's just toss a simple but tasteful nativity scene up on the mantle—I like to just create a pile of any additional light bulbs to represent the whole stable gang (Mary, Joseph, Canadian one-hit-wonders the Philosopher Kings, three billy goats gruff, etc.).—and call it a night.

PARTIES
If you're like me, you're going to a ton of holiday parties this season, some of which you may have actually been invited to! That means dressing to impress. I personally have streamlined my wardrobe by purchasing a series of slimming velvet one-piece jumpsuits, each explicitly labelled across the belly to commemorate the occasion at hand ("GIRLS NIGHT OUT," "FUNERAL") but for those of you with a velvet allergy, I recommend a classic black cocktail dress (or for the men, classic blackface) paired with a chic and mysterious Hulk hand gloves. Whether you're attending family holiday movie night or binge drinking with your neighbour's fourteen-year-old in the park, you're sure to turns heads and have them talking in intrigued whispers, with questions like "What are you wearing?," "Why is your purse full of lightbulbs?" and "That's her over there, officer."

EATING
The holidays can wreak havoc on your figure. It seems like there's tempting treats everywhere you turn, from the office cookie exchange, to that whole birthday cake you ordered at the restaurant as a starter. You can't fight it, so pour yourself a big glass of egg nog to celebrate this wonderful time of excess—or to really "get this party started" (copyright Alicia "P!nk" Moore, 2006, all rights reserved), pour in a tipple of dark rum and top with a medium cheese pizza. If you're hosting some friends for a night of general merriment or classic holiday games like "Put On This Santa Hat So We Can Get a DNA Sample From Your Hair For That On-Going Murder Investigation" and "Tongue-Kiss a Boll Weevil," make sure to be the hostess with the mostess by serving up a hearty platter of holiday favourites. Think rum balls, gingerbread cookies, or just a good old fashioned brick of butter rolled in some crushed nuts and then slathered with some more butter.