Office Life

At one point or another, every kid dreams of one day working in an office. It’s an important developmental phase, like thinking MadLibs are fun or trying to ride a bike on a trampoline. Sure, the more glamorous careers—firefighter, ballerina, witch doctor, alpaca breeder, garbageman to the stars—will attract your attention throughout your life, but the sweet siren song of the corporate American workplace can’t be resisted for long. Jobs with water coolers are water cooler. It’s right in the name.

Working in an office is basically exactly how you imagined it as a starry-eyed pre-tween. The fluorescent lights twinkle mischievously above as you playfully banter with your co-workers about who will be mercilessly stabbed with a ballpoint pen if they touch your clearly labelled berries-on-the-bottom yogurt in the fridge again. Yes, an office can be a magical place—somewhere to bring purpose and passion to your days, and hopefully to provide a comfortable place to haunt once you’ve left this mortal coil, perhaps due to some sort of horrific accident with the postage meter. But it isn’t always easy to transition into this brave new world from school or retail or living in an emergency underground bomb shelter for most of your adult life as seen in the 1999 Brendan Fraser thriller Blast from the Past. There’s an unspoken code of conduct. Unspoken, that is... until NOW! EXCLUSIVE TELL-ALL TIPS ‘N’ TRICKS TO FOLLOW!  HOT HOT HOT!

Cubicle Décor

Sure, “the man” wants you to sit in your little grey box and just be another corporate slave with no personality, but you’ll show him (it?). Take that blank canvas and make it your own, but make it your own more than anyone ever has dared before. If a simple poster of a kitten “hanging in there” will show that you’re more than just a number, then 27 posters of a kitten “hanging in there” will make an even bolder statement (that you’re a go-getter ready for middle management and/or dangerously closing to “giving up” at any given moment). Calendars are also a great way to express your personality while also acting as a constant reminder of the never-ending march of days that just takes you closer to death. Plants are nice too, as is keeping a healthy supply of vodka on hand for emergencies or days ending in “y”. Most offices supply you with a chair, but why stop there? Remember, this cubicle is your home away from home, so you’d better be comfortable there. I recommend incorporating a propane barbecue and some tasteful nude oil paintings at the bare minimum. (Ha ha! Just a little tasteful nude oil painting humour for you there!)

Elevator Chit-Chat

If your office is on the ground floor, what are you even doing with your life? You may as well be working at Taco Time. Nobody respects if you if they don’t have to take an elevator to get to your workplace. That’s rule one at business school and rule twelve at the correspondence clown college I attended (Go Wildcats!). And more importantly, the elevator is your time to shine, socially. Every time you take the ol’ vertical bus (because people definitely call it that) with a colleague, it’s an opportunity to make an impression. The number of floors you’ll be travelling will obviously affect the timing and topic of conversation, so use this handy chart to pick something appropriate for the time you have together:  

2 Floors: Weather

3 Floors: Weather

4 Floors: Weather

5 Floors: Abortion

6 Floors: Weekend plans

Holiday PartyWorking isn't all about work; sometimes it’s about play! But unfortunately, it’s rarely about putting on plays. Don’t get confused. Most offices will host social events a couple of times a year, like Christmas parties or swimsuit competitions. It’s a great chance to bond with your fellow co-workers, so don’t miss out! Put on your best formal turtleneck and get ready to mingle. Let your colleagues know you’re ready to let loose by suggesting some good old-fashioned body shots to kick off the evening. (Note: some offices encourage employees to bring their families to social events; if kids are in attendance, make sure to have a non-alcoholic alternative available for this activity.) Then, keep the party going by initiating some team-building games like Seven Minutes in Heaven and Guess Who Filled Todd’s Desk with Baby Spiders? If your office has a social committee who already planned things for the evening, or if your suggestions are deemed “totally inappropriate” and “do you even work here” by management, don’t let that get you down: spending the party vacuuming out Todd’s desk is a great story to tell your Real Doll when you get home.