The Sun is a Jerk

The sun acts like it's your friend, but it's totally not. Just when you think that covering yourself in bacon fat and hanging out at an aluminum siding sidewalk sale is safe, BAM! The sun'll getcha.

And the sun isn't even cool about it, either. It's like, if you're going to burn me, at least do it evenly. Maybe I missed my elbows when I was applying sunscreen, or forgot I had a neck, but I tried to 'screen properly; the sun doesn't even cut me a break and suddenly the tops of my feet are the colour of Carrot Top's favourite red tshirt. How was I supposed to know feet burn? They're feet!!!

My family is from Scottland, Ireland, and England, a trifecta of paleness. I've never stood a chance against that stupid giant star that all life depends on. I have probably only avoided skin cancer at this point because the sun feels it would be unsportsmanlike, like taking candy from a baby and then giving him skin cancer.

There's signs out at the beach that are supposed to help protect you from the sun. You know the ones: Slap on a Hat, Slam on Some Shades, Stab on a Shirt, etc. But what they don't tell you is that the sun isn't satisfied with ruining your albino good looks in the summer. Oh no, UV rays are around even when it's cloudy, and even when you think you're safe tucked away in a tanning bed.

 As they always say, though, the best defense is a good offense. That's why I'm starting a postcard campaign to eliminate the sun. Mostly I'm just putting my mean-yet-pun-filled postcards ("You're a SUN-of-a-bitch!" etc.) in balloons and releasing them as vigorously as possible into the atmosphere, but a petition to NASA is in the works. Also, I'm starting a novelty-oversized-hose drive (fingers crossed that that is such a thing!) in hopes of eventually cobbling together enough water power to put out the sun altogether. Together, we can accomplish anything! Let's strive for a darker tomorrow.

Spa Day

I'm starting a spa. This may seem surprising to you, given that I have no "experience" in estheticianary and that I overuse "quotation marks" for comedic effect, but I'm not going to let that negative attitude nor the fact that estheticianary is not a "real word" stop me. I have been treated at upwards of six spas in the last few years (mostly for work, which is tragic only in the sense that at this rate, no one will ever be interested in making a biopic about my difficult-but-inspiring life), and have picked up a thing or two while lying scared and naked on a table. For example: People like to be rubbed and are willing to pay a lot of money for it. So for the spa owner, the earth's over-population isn't a crisis, but an opportunity: the more human beings, the more rubs we'll need! And basically anybody with two hands and most people with one hand can do it. I know there are schools and licenses that spa practitioners attend, but in my experience, most of what's happening as you lie there is a surprise and there's no real way to recognize if it's the work of a professional or, as we'll soon see at Big Stacey's House O' Feel Good, a hook-handed felon released on a technicality. Yesterday, my masseuse put her thumb in my ear and I am still not sure that that was a mistake. Today, during a body wrap, I was told to arrange a towel over my nether regions in a "diaper wrap". Anything goes at the spa. As long as the soothing tones of birds playing the harp are on the sound system, I don't dare to ask any questions, and ideally my future clients won't either if they know what's good for them.

I've got some ideas for my spa already, because it's a fun thing to think about as a stranger is rubbing your butt with whatever they found in the staff fridge.

SPA TREATMENT IDEAS
1. Someone plays with your hair for an hour.
2. A handsome man rubs your feet while you pop bubble wrap.
3. Lie in a tub and have puppies walk on your back.
4. Have your nails shaped into standard screwdriver heads.
5. Apple cinnamon scrub, but the leftover product is baked into a pie that you get to take home.

As always, if you're interested in this wonderful investment opportunity, please feel free to arrange a drop-off of unmarked bills at an abandoned train station of convenience to you.