Happy Happy Birthday!

Birthdays! Everybody's got one! If somebody says they don't, they're crackin' wise, so a playful round-house twist press to the solar plexus or a quick browse through a Mixed Martial Arts website for real fight moves should clearly indicate that you don't have time for this bullshit. Then get them some goddamn balloons.

Some very special people have birthdays coming up soon, including my two best friends, my boyfriend, and John Travolta! I don't want to spoil anything here about what I'm planning for my favourite people and John, but luckily they've all promised that they'll never ever read this and told me that I shouldn't bother contacting them ever again about my blog or anything, ever, please, just stop, why won't you stop. So it looks like they'll be extra surprised when they find out all of these fun birthday treats!

Cake

A birthday without cake is a like a hug without a groin pat: what's the point? My usual rule of thumb is the more icing, the better, especially if there might be a thumb hidden somewhere in the cake. But an alarming new study has revealed that almost all diabetics have a birthday, too, so with these dietary sensitivities in mind, I suggest just frosting the whole cake with a thick layer of delicious insulin. The consistency may make it hard for the candles to stand up, though, so just light the whole thing on fire to shed a festive glow on your guests' horrified faces.


Games

Whether you're hosting a party or attending one, there's nothing people love more than having their socialization dictated by rigid structure and lengthy rules, so I always come to events prepared. Charades, Pictionary, and Russian Roulette are all party classics, but new favourites like Turn Off the Lights and Touch My Rash, Pin The Tail On a Literal Donkey, or Monopoly: Oligopoly Edition are always a smash hit, too! The more games you play, the less attention people will pay to the fact that no one actually invited you.


Surprise

Yelling "surprise!" at the Birthday Boy, Girl, LadyBoy, or CatDog is often part of the birthday experience: it usually takes place at the beginning of the party, but I find that trope a little overdone. I personally like to yell "surprise!" when it would actually be surprising, like when they think everyone has left the party and that no one is hiding inside of the washing machine.


Presents

If you're invited to a birthday party, you're usually expected to bring a gift, unless otherwise specified in the invitation with a phrase like "Your presence, but no presents!" or the confusing "Your gifts are gifts so gift the gift of gifts!" Though every person you know is obviously a unique flower, do you really have time to pick out something specific for every single birthday party you attend, to "tend" to these "flowers" individually? No, no, no, a thousand times NO! I don't know about you, but I find there's hardly enough hours in the day as it is for writing cruel, anonymous postcards to John Travolta and collecting antique toenails. So for efficiency's sake, I've standardized the system, much like Henry Ford would have done were he as popular as I am and invited to upwards of three birthday parties a year. Each "tier" of friends gets a pre-determined gift:

• Acquaintance: Coupon for one (1) free tongue kiss (up to two minutes)
• Co-worker: Starbucks card
• Close friend: Starbucks card, loaded
• Family: Coupon for one (1) free tongue kiss (up to three minutes)
• John Travolta: 14kt white gold diamond bracelet and tickets to Smash Mouth's reunion show

Car Shoppin': Shoppin' for Cars Edition

Accidents happen! Some of those accidents may be of the "car" variety. This is just part of life, like kissing a boy for the first time or growing a weird hair from a facial mole. It's nothing to be ashamed of! At some point or another, we're all going to pull out of a parking lot without looking because we're desperate to escape a hockey-themed brunch we got tricked into attending, and there's going to be another car there and they're going to smash up the door of your vintage 2001 Chevy Cavalier. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, though it does probably mean you're a bad driver.

This may surprise you to hear, but I was in an accident shockingly similar to this poorly-veiled hypothetical situation recently. Don't worry! No one was hurt except the car, and I'm just relieved I never let my mother convince me to name it ("What about Baby? Or Steve? Is it a boy?") so there's no anthropomorphic guilt. Whew! Not sorry, Not Steve!

This close call has really made me rethink my priorities in life. For example, I've learned that getting a write-off cheque from ICBC is a pleasant alternative to "fixing" my "windshield wipers" or "washing the car more than once a year". Now, it's time to shop for a new vehicle because I live in the suburbs where people on bikes are routinely chased down by SUVs for sport and sometimes deprived of voting rights.

But what to look for when you're car shopping? With so many options out there—cars with heated seats, cars without heated seats, ay ay ay!—it's hard to know where to begin. Luckily, it's easier for me to blog in list-form, so it looks like we're in a win-win situation here.

Step One: Find a "Baby On Board" sign that really reflects your personality as a driver. You'll want something that says "I'm carrying precious cargo!" but also "I'm totally down to bone". And if you don't have any children per se, that's all right. I can totally get you a sign anyways: my cousin sells fakes out of his garage. You're not a cop, are you? You have to tell me if you are.

Step Two: Research is vital to finding a car that's the right fit, and with the World Wide Web™©® at our fingertips, it's easier than ever! The best resource, obviously, is a website called google.com. Simply type in "car" and "download" any images that aren't characters from an animated film onto a floppy disk and mail it to a local dealership along with a self-addressed, self-stamped envelope. Wait 6-8 weeks.

Step Three: Choosing a dealership is one of the biggest decision of your life, after picking a song to lose your virginity to and taking a stance on whether Alex Trebec looks better with or without a mustache. The best dealerships will indicate their prestige with a giant inflatable gorilla (if it's wearing sunglasses, all the better!)

Step Four: You can never really know a car until you drive it, so hop in to whatever looks like the hottest rod and take her for a spin! It doesn't even have to be at a dealership, or unlocked. See something you like? Get in there! Rugged terrain will give you the best indication of how a car handles, so try cutting through schoolyards and construction sites during your test-run. It'll also be a good opportunity to see how well the sound-system drowns out a child's scream.

Step Five: Go through a checklist to make sure the car has everything you need: Are there four tires? Do you have those handle thingies to hang your dry-cleaning? How many adult human males could you fit in the trunk (intact or in half)? (You're still not a cop, right?)

Step Six: Make your offer, but remember that negotiation is a huge part of the car buying process, as if you were haggling at a Middle Eastern spice market instead of purchasing an item with set production costs using government issued currency in a Capitalist society. Start low, and be firm: offer the dealer your least-favourite child, and insist that he include an air-freshener (must be vanilla) in the deal.

With these six easy steps, you'll be on the road in no time! If you could come by and pick me up, that would be great.