Wedding bells!

I think I know a thing or two about marriage. I've been to four weddings, after all, and only 25% of them involved donuts in place of a cake, so I think that qualifies me in some countries as some sort of expert.

There are certain things people expect when they get invited to a wedding, whether they're there to play the pivotal role of Understudy to the Junior Bridesmaid's Understudy, or in attendance as the groom's sister's friend who likes cake. First off, we're going to expect at least two people in attendance to stand up and get married. Then we're going to want you to throw stuff around (bouquets, garter belts, celebratory rice if you're involved with the bridal party; punches if you're a drunk uncle) and book it to the dance floor when "Mambo #5" comes on. And finally, each guest is obligated to take home something wrapped in chiffon as a memento of the occasion, as if we might forget. "I had the strangest dream last night that Betty got married!" we might say, scratching our macarana-adled noggins the next day. "But obviously that's not true since I don't currently own a mug with her and Jerome's faces on it, so I'll just continue to set her up with hot local singles by writing her phone number on bathroom stalls."

Three (and a half?) easy steps to a successful wedding! But is "success" really the best we can do? Shouldn't your wedding be, as they say, "the most wonderful time of the year?"

With my keen observational skills and penchant for free wine, I think I could use my wedding planning skills to make your wedding not just functional, but infamous. For example, just spit-ballin' here, you could take everyone's favourite part of a wedding -- the chicken dance -- and play it several times, or get your DJ to come up with a remixed dub-step edition, or maybe even invite several authentic chickens to the event to show us the true meaning of the beautiful, haunting steps that have amalgamated so thoroughly with the culture of love. It's called "extrapolating". Maybe you've heard of it. Also, the only reason I go to weddings is to have a good cry, so another idea would be to get your Justice of the Peace/Craigslist priest to take that to the next level and just, like, be really, really mean to everybody.

STACEY MCLACHLAN
WEDDING PLANNER FOR HIRE
STACEYMCLACH@GMAIL.COM
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