Running for Beginners

I started running because it's good for me, and because I live next to the best running route in the world, and because I have like 10 extra hours a week to fill now that I don't have a 1.5 hour commute to work, but mostly because my best friend started training for a marathon and I am a competitive asshole super supportive. Whatever the root cause, I'm loving my new hobby: you might even say I've got a case of the runs!

It's been pricier than I thought it would be. In my younger days, all you needed to run were a pair of legs, a song in your heart, and a mean gym teacher who wouldn't let you sit out with fake cramps. In today's internet superhighway economy, it turns out you need a lot of stuff for running, and socks with cartoon bears on them from the Night Market —that may or may not have been "designed" for "children"— probably aren't going to be great performance enhancers.Walk into a running gear shop(pe) and you'll be overwhelmed by options: Shorts with pockets! Shirts that "wick away" sweat, presumably to some sort of moist parallel universe! Sneakers with arch support (that's runner-talk for "feet")! I hardly know where to begin, but to me, as a runner, the most important thing when shopping for gear is comfort. The second most important thing, as a runner, is making sure my butt looks good and the third thing is that my shoes need to be a fun colour. It's important to have standards, as an athlete (and runner).

It's nice to run the SeaWall, because other people are always out and about; running near other runners inspires you to keep going and try your best and blah blah blah, and tourists on rollerblades blocking your path provide a metaphorical reminder about the obstacles we all face in life on the way to achieving greatness/burning 300 calories. There are also dogs everywhere, which is pretty great, although some of the smaller ones could be a tripping hazzard or get puppy organs all over your brand new pink (pardon me, "Fireberry") shoes were they to be horribly crushed with a misstep. 

I've been using an app called Map My Run recently, which is a cool way of tracking your mileage, having a vaguely Australian robot yell at you every few kilometres, and getting sweat all over your phone all in one fell swoop. Other runners I see sometimes have a belt full of water bottles strapped 'round their bellies: those morons don't even realize we're running right beside an ocean full of delicious wet water.

Getting the Most Out of Your Run

• Envision a treat or prize at the end of your route and try to get there as quickly as possible!
• Carbo-load the night before, and bring a pocket full of macaroni to snack on during your jog!
• For a quick energy boost on long runs, shoot Gatorade directly into your veins!
• Ask a rapist to chase you!

Remember: You're only one workout away from a good mood and smug sense of superiority. Gotta "run"!

Jog ya later,
Stacey "I'm a Runner Now" McLachlan

Renovation Tips

Everyone loves surprises. If they didn’t, why do we keep throwing people unexpecteds birthday parties and getting our teenage girlfriends pregnant?

The greatest surprise of all, of course, is a good old fashioned dishwasher flood. Sure, it ruins your “floorboards” and “life”, but as the Chinese say, “the character for crisis is a penny earned.” So if you come downstairs one night, for example, after a family Christmas dinner, to find your dishwasher is barfing soapy water all over the linoleum, presumably disgusted by the amount of ambrosia salad caked onto the dinner plates within its rumbling sanitizing belly, don’t panic/attempt to drown yourself: Embrace your watery hellhole of a home with open arms. This is your opportunity (as the Chinese say, “the symbol for opportunity is worth two in the bush”) to renovate, to bring your wildest countertop fantasies to life, to turn a dull, functional kitchen into one full of glamorous disconnected appliances. Industrial chic is in this season, and what could be more industrial than exchanging your kitchen island for hunky geriatric Russian cabinet installers?

It isn’t always an easy road, the surprise kitchen reno. A little water on the floor may not seem like that much trouble, but it turns out that water is wet and can ruin everything you’ve ever loved. It will rot the bottoms of your kitchen cabinets and permeate your laminate flooring. And once you replace the counters, you’ll probably want to replace the tile to match. And once you replace the tile, you’ll probably need to paint. And if you’re painting this room, you may as well paint the living room and build a new fireplace and install a vaulted ceiling and replace the windows with a stained glass depiction of your family crest. (You’ll also want to design a family crest.)

It’s the same sort of grim snowballing situation depicted in the classic When You Give a Mouse a Cookie, the cautionary tale of a bleeding heart liberal and a greedy anthropomorphic mouse riding the slippery slope of fiscal socialism. One thing leads to another and another until finally, your daughter is giving up her Sunday morning to help you (brace yourself) pick out tile. What have you become!? What kind of life is this?!

But all the elbow grease will be worth it when you finally get to sit down at your kitchen table and admire your handiwork. Of course, by the time you finish the project, the year will be 2033 and cooking will have been rendered obsolete by an especially effective iPad app, but I’m sure your newly installed breakfast bar will make a handsome place to display pictures of the grandchildren whose births you missed because you had to let the plumber in.

TIPS FOR A SMOOTH RENOVATION

As the assistant editor for a magazine that often features beautiful homes I could never afford to live in, I know a thing or two about getting your house in ship-shape (or, alternatively, your ship in house-shape). Follow these easy steps to make your unexpected renovation a snap!

1.  Leave the country.

2. Buy a new house.