Your Guide to Festival Season

I saw the sun a few days ago, and Maia keeps talking about investing in She Pees, so this must mean festival season is upon us! Whether you're hitting Sasquatch, Coachella, or the South Dakota Jorts-a-Palooza Presented by Mountain Dew Energy Shotz™®, it's important to be prepared for the special challenges sharing a tent with dumb boys and drinking smuggled gin out of an empty soup tetra pack will bring.

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING TO GO TO A FESTIVAL WITH EXPECTATIONS
It's a concert, yes, but it's also camping, so if you hate camping, perhaps you should sit this one out and hit up an appliance manufacturers' convention instead. But should you decide to brave the wilderness/a field full of unshowered college kids in bandeau tops, here's what will go down: your idiot friends will pack a blanket with a wolf on it and nothing else and then eat cold hot dogs for every meal for four days, partially because they forgot to bring a stove and partially because they're lazy. Then they'll leave their socks all over your tent.

The porta-potties will run out of toilet paper; the man in the campsite next to you will be juggling Devil Sticks  with impressive volume until 4 a.m.; you'll be forced to invent new, exciting, shoe-based methods of opening your wine bottle. You can use coffee to barter, much like you would with cigarettes in prison (not that I've ever been. There's no need to confirm that. It's hot in here! Is it hot in here?)

What can you eat at festivals? Everything from $27 hamburgers to $27 hot dogs! The world is your oyster! (There will be no oysters.)

There will be several bands playing at any given time, so plan your time wisely and/or magically! You don't want to miss your favourite artists just because you were too cheap to invest in a time turner, as popularized by the biography of Harry Potter. Wherever you're going, though, make sure to stay close with your friends: thousands of people attend these events, and when you're separated, you're separated forever and will have to break the sad news to their parents when you get home and present them with the socks they left in your tent. To avoid this tragic conversation (and to avoid touching those goddamn socks), pick up some of those leashes parents use for toddlers to keep your mangy pack of misfits in check. If you need to separate from them to use the washroom or makeout with the bearded dude of your choice, just tie them to a post. It may be better for everyone involved, actually, if you just leave them back at the campsite for the day. Don't leave them in the hot car though! Devil Stick guy will probably try to break your window or "call" the "police". If this happens, break his Devil Sticks over your knee and leave the mangled pieces in his sleeping bag as a warning.

All in all, I'm looking forward to washing my hair in a bucket and pretending I'm enjoying dancing to a jam band this summer. Get your fanny pack fanny packed guys: only two months to go!