Adventures in House-sitting

House-sitting isn’t that hard. I’ve done it lots of (three) times! And I’ve only lost two dogs. I like those odds!

Yes, it might seem like a lot is expected of you. They want you to keep their pets alive and not burn down the house? Some people are just take, take, take, right?! But I know you can do this. All you have to do is believe in yourself and/or make sure to always close the door behind you and/or restrict any festive bonfires to the rooms in the house with easy water access.

House-sitting takes many different forms, so there’s no real “right” answer to the question “Why does a 35-year-old woman own a guinea pig?” You might find youself “sittin’” an apartment, basement suite, treehouse, ice castle, one of those gyms where you can go rock-climbing, bachelor pad (swinging or otherwise), private island, or an abandoned boxcar that's been rendered livable by a group of adorable mystery-solving orphans. Whatever the venue, it’s important to remember that you will never get such an excellent opportunity for snooping. If the home/island/boxcar-owner expresses concern that their drawer of religious undergarments has been distributed, tell them you were looking for something impersonal, like the ironing board or a jar of their baby teeth.

It’s important to remember when you’re house-sitting that the homeowners are the ones doing you the favour. After all, as a Young Person Living at Home, it’s glamourous to pretend to have your own place. It’s just like a Hollywood fairy tale as you sweep the door open to reveal the damp Delta basement suite that will be yours – all yours! – for the next two weeks. Oh, the homeowner just moved in and didn’t install cable or internet or unpack her DVD player? Like you even noticed! You’ve been enthralled by the soothing sound of children playing basketball on the floor above – how charming that they never seem to have to go to school and you can just enjoy their rhythmic tantrums and sports all day long. And, look, there’s a kitty-cat, too! Named after country sensations Rascal Flatts? How chic! It’s basically like you’re in Sex and the City here: I’m pretty sure there’s an episode where a kitten hides feces behind stacks of unlabelled boxes that you spend 14 days climbing over to get to the bathroom, right? Rascal is such a Samantha. You won’t worry that the homeowner hasn’t left you any groceries or money for guinea pig feed (but has left you instructions not to eat the Thinsations in the freezer): The keychain the she brings you back from Nashville and the accusation that you stole her Tupperware will be thanks enough.

Usually, you are house-sitting because there is some sort of animal or puppet that comes alive at night who can’t be left alone while your friends are off whooping it up in Vatican City or wherever. Houses themselves usually don’t need too much supervision. They’re at that stage where they just want to hang out in their room and talk with their friends all day, you know? Some homeowners get worried when their houses start hanging out with older houses or the wrong strata developments, and that’s totally natural. But smothering them with rules and restrictions is just going to turn your house against you, and soon you’ll find spite-fuelled sexy butterfly graffiti all across the back porch. Pets, though (defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “the present tense of ‘petting’”), need more TLC (which, as we all know, stands for Tender loving care, Liquor, and Cocaine.)(Alternative joke: the TV station with all the shows about little people hoarding cakes.)

Some things pets like to do:

• Eat
• Play
• Nap
• Drink water
• Bolt out the garage door when you forget to shut it all the way
• Hide in the woods while you cry for an hour and your boyfriend tells you that the Responsible Thing To Do is to call your uncle and ask where the dog might have run away to
• Continue to hide in the woods while your uncle relays the information, though cleverly disguised as a hypothetical situation, to your cousins, whose wails of sadness can be heard from Arizona
• Wait until nightfall to creep up to the house and then sprint away again whenever approached
• Slink through the shadows while your mom and brother, whom your uncle has called long-distance to tattle, have a screaming match in the cul-de-sac about who is scaring the dog more (answer: definitely your brother)
• Return calmly to the backyard at 3 a.m., herded by the boyfriend with the stupid uncle-calling idea

Some fun ideas for pet-sitting:

• Never open the door ever

Well, we've all learned a lot here today, about house-sitting and, more importantly, ourselves. But the most crucial thing remember is that if you find $29 jam in the fridge, NEVER HESITATE to enjoy it on toast three or four times a day. In many parts of the world, wages are paid in mashed fruit. You're performing an Important Service and deserve to know what (presumably) enchanted berries taste like. Feel free to help yourselves to any other canned goods as well while you're at it! I like to give out the homeowner's soup as party favours when I host raging keggers in their living room: it just adds a touch o' class to any event, really.

If you still somehow don't feel you're ready for the responsibility of home supervision, feel free to recommend me for any opportunities you come across. Here's my card:

Wine Chat, with your host Stacey McLachlan

I am drinking at my desk at work right now. It’s okay! Other people are drinking too! They just happen to be down the hall and together and not “here” with “me” per se. But don’t worry about me. After all, it’s just wine! Wine never hurt anybody, especially white wine. It’s like the saying goes, “See-through wine? You’re doing fine!” In fact, I’ve discovered that because “wine” rhymes with “fine” you can always feel good about whatever activity you’re pairing your vino with.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLES:

“Early to wine, you’re doing fine.”

“Whiskey before wine, you’re doing fine.”

“White wine is fine, red wine is fine.”

“Wine after whiskey, never get sick-skey.”

Wine is the drink of Fine Gentlemen and Pregnant Europen Ladies everywhere. Whether swilling it from a paper bag or, ideally, a jug marked with three crude X’s, a glass of “the nectar of the gods” adds a touch o’ class to your character. Why don’t you join the club? I know some people out there don’t have a taste for it (“There’s not enough Sprite in here. Please add more”, “I’m a recovering alcoholic” et cetera) but I’ve found a little education goes a long way to enjoying the “preferred beverage of loveable hobos”. Thankfully, I know plenty about wine, because my former roommate used to work at a liquor store, and because one time I thought about making Sangria in my bathtub.

What's the difference between red wine and white wine?
Red wine is infused with rainbows, which is why it's so expensive and pairs well with unicorn meat. White wine, though, you can make at home yourself by just adding eight shots of vodka to some apple juice.

Why are there so many different sizes and styles of wine glasses?
Great question, COMMUNIST. We have a variety of glass types because this is DEMOCRACY and we respect a woman's right to CHOOSE.

What's the correct way to taste wine?
Swill the glass around to aerate the wine; slurp some through your teeth, and swish around in your mouth. This will give you time to think of a hilarious tasting note analysis that are sure to impress everyone on your wine tour ("I taste a hint of grapes!" "Does anyone else detect ketchup?" "I'm definitely getting beluga undertones").

What wine offers the best value?
Beer.