At one point or another, every kid dreams of one day working
in an office. It’s an important developmental phase, like thinking MadLibs are
fun or trying to ride a bike on a trampoline. Sure, the more glamorous careers—firefighter,
ballerina, witch doctor, alpaca breeder, garbageman to the stars—will attract
your attention throughout your life, but the sweet siren song of the corporate
American workplace can’t be resisted for long. Jobs with water coolers are
water cooler. It’s right in the name.
Working in an office is basically exactly how you imagined
it as a starry-eyed pre-tween. The fluorescent lights twinkle mischievously
above as you playfully banter with your co-workers about who will be
mercilessly stabbed with a ballpoint pen if they touch your clearly labelled
berries-on-the-bottom yogurt in the fridge again. Yes, an office can be a
magical place—somewhere to bring purpose and passion to your days, and
hopefully to provide a comfortable place to haunt once you’ve left this mortal
coil, perhaps due to some sort of horrific accident with the postage meter. But
it isn’t always easy to transition into this brave new world from school or
retail or living in an emergency underground bomb shelter for most of your
adult life as seen in the 1999 Brendan Fraser thriller Blast from the Past. There’s an unspoken code of conduct. Unspoken, that is... until NOW!
EXCLUSIVE TELL-ALL TIPS ‘N’ TRICKS TO FOLLOW! HOT HOT HOT!
Cubicle Décor
Sure, “the man” wants you to sit in your little grey box and
just be another corporate slave with no personality, but you’ll show him (it?).
Take that blank canvas and make it your own, but make it your own more than
anyone ever has dared before. If a simple poster of a kitten “hanging in there”
will show that you’re more than just a number, then 27 posters of a kitten “hanging
in there” will make an even bolder statement (that you’re a go-getter ready for
middle management and/or dangerously closing to “giving up” at any given moment).
Calendars are also a great way to express your personality while also acting as
a constant reminder of the never-ending march of days that just takes you
closer to death. Plants are nice too, as is keeping a healthy supply of vodka
on hand for emergencies or days ending in “y”. Most offices supply you with a
chair, but why stop there? Remember, this cubicle is your home away from home,
so you’d better be comfortable there. I recommend incorporating a propane barbecue
and some tasteful nude oil paintings at the bare
minimum. (Ha ha! Just a little tasteful nude oil painting humour for you
there!)
Elevator Chit-Chat
If your office is on the ground floor, what are you even
doing with your life? You may as well be working at Taco Time. Nobody respects
if you if they don’t have to take an elevator to get to your workplace. That’s
rule one at business school and rule twelve at the correspondence clown college
I attended (Go Wildcats!). And more importantly, the elevator is your time to
shine, socially. Every time you take the ol’ vertical bus (because people definitely call it that) with a colleague, it’s an opportunity to make an
impression. The number of floors you’ll be travelling will obviously affect the
timing and topic of conversation, so use this handy chart to pick something
appropriate for the time you have together:
2 Floors: Weather
3 Floors: Weather
4 Floors: Weather
5 Floors: Abortion
6 Floors: Weekend plans
Holiday PartyWorking isn't all about work; sometimes it’s about play! But
unfortunately, it’s rarely about putting on plays. Don’t get confused. Most offices
will host social events a couple of times a year, like Christmas parties or
swimsuit competitions. It’s a great chance to bond with your fellow co-workers,
so don’t miss out! Put on your best formal turtleneck and get ready to mingle. Let
your colleagues know you’re ready to let loose by suggesting some good old-fashioned
body shots to kick off the evening. (Note: some offices encourage employees to
bring their families to social events; if kids are in attendance, make sure to
have a non-alcoholic alternative available for this activity.) Then, keep the
party going by initiating some team-building games like Seven Minutes in Heaven
and Guess Who Filled Todd’s Desk with Baby Spiders? If your office has a social
committee who already planned things for the evening, or if your suggestions
are deemed “totally inappropriate” and “do you even work here” by management,
don’t let that get you down: spending the party vacuuming out Todd’s desk is a great story to tell your Real Doll when
you get home.