Laugh Out Loud Cats? More like not so much!

I'm not what you would call a cat person, or even a cat-person (trust me, I've had the blood work done). But they are everywhere in my life for some reason. Cats! At my boyfriend's house. Cats! Following me down the street when I'm just bringing a couple of pockets of tuna to meet up with some friends! Cats! Performing on Broadway for 30 incredible years! There is nowhere to hide. The internet isn't even safe anymore.

I blame Garfield for this feline invasion. Thanks AGAIN, media, for convincing a generation that all it takes to own a cat is a pan of unsupervised lasagna and an alarming overbite. The kids today seem to think that you can't truly be living on your own until you a have a small mammal throwing up on your carpet. But there are plenty of ways to achieve a sense of "home" and overcome your crippling loneliness without the 18-year commitment of an arthritic tabby. I suggest buying a houseplant and getting a subscription to one of those sexy chat lines that they always advertise on regional American channels. If you need a little "warmth of another living thing" pick-me-up, perhaps put one of your cat acquaintances in a pillowcase and shake it around for a bit to collect some comforting hair upon which to lay your weary head.

REAL TALK: CAT FACTS FOR TROUBLED TEENS

Q: I'm worried about my cat scratching the furniture -- or worse, me! Is declawing a good idea?
A: Yes, if you're looking for some handsome and unique jewelry. Much like the coolest of dudes sport shark tooth necklaces (a classic look as hip today as it was in 1992), a pendant made with your cat's extracted fingernails makes a great conversation piece and marks you as a taste-maker. Plus, with 10 claws to go around, you can make matching friendship jewelry for 9 of your closest friends and your sister who your mom always makes you invite along UGH. These statement-making pieces will also distract from the fact that your angry cat has hate-pissed all over your furniture.

Q: Can I take my cat out on a leash?
A: Bullying is never the answer, if the moving documentary The Ant Bully taught me anything. But roughing up somebody with anything other than a dog (eg: cat, hamster, toddler) isn't considered a crime in most provincial courts or Second Life communities, so you'd probably be better off staying at home and just lending your cat the car if he wants to go out somewhere.

Q: Which are better, cats or dogs?
A: The age old debate, one that plagued both the Greek philosophers and the wise-crackin' cast of Homeward Bound and Homeward Bound 2: Lost in New York: Which pet rules? And which pet, in contrast, drools? It's a question with no answer, like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" or "Why are there ladies on the internet being tenderly caressed by tentacle monsters, Mommy?"

Q: I want to give my cat a fun, pun-riddled name. Any suggestions?
A: - The Catnip and Tenille
- Kit(ten) Romney
- Cat in the Cat (a play on Cat in the Hat)
- Cat Stevens (this is an actual suggestion)
- Catbury Cream Egg
- Sears Roebuck Cat-alogue

Bonus advice for Troubled Teenz: When you've progressed past the pet ownership stage of your life and start feeling the gentle buzzing of your biological clock--for which there is no snooze button--I also have some baby names for you:
- Baby Back Ribs Smith
- End of list